Looking Back...Looking Ahead...and Looking Here.

Maybe next year December moments will descend like snow so peaceful, all perfectly arranged in an order of sense and stability.  But this year's holiday season was a blizzard of swirling, whirling flakes falling rather haphazardly, yet all were so necessary.  First Colie's wedding, then Mother's surgery, followed by Maylie's birth, our big move, Christmas, then Tate's birthday.  I kept wondering when the straw would come that would break our little world's back.  But not surprisingly, the straw never came....all thanks to a loving Father who never gives us more than He knows we can handle.  Without the grace from our Savior I'm not sure we could have made it.  But with Him I have learned that we can do all things that are expedient.

And now I sit as if perched on a swing...overlooking the waters of 2011.  It was a year of trial by fire.  It was a year of moving three times, growing closer to family, of sickness and health, of healing and hope, of birth.  When I wondered upon all that would transpire clear back in January, I was anxious and afraid for all that lay ahead.  But a soft glow filled my worried heart and a voice whispered that this would be a wonderful year--a year to remember.

And it was.

It was my year of Eucharisteo...of counting the graces, the gifts, the mercies so freely given from heaven above.  It was a year of discovering a life that I wish to live, even a life of holiness.

And 2012 looms so promising and wondrous.  Patrick will graduate and hopefully find a job to provide for our growing little family.  We will enjoy life here in the country in this quaint little cottage until it is time to move on (and I hope that day is so very far away.)

This coming year has a theme just as last year did.  And building upon a year of thanks, 2012 will be a year of moments.  A year to discover and savor each and every moment--pleasant and unpleasant.  A year to treasure up what I see and feel and hear and experience.  A year of no regret because I will live in the present...and enjoy each and every moment.  The past will serve as a book of reminiscence, but my mind will not linger too long in sorrowed nostalgia.  The future will shine as a distant star, but I will not let my gaze be solely fixed upon it.  For the present is here and if it is not gathered in and embraced, tomorrow's past will be gray and lifeless and the future will beckon as something always just out of reach.  

So I dedicate 2012 to all of the moments and the memories that will be collected like little light-filled lanterns upon the waters of the year.  And at the end of the year, I hope to sit on the swing again and gaze upon the waters of a glorious, shining 2012...all aglow with the millions of moments--lived well.

Meeting Big Brothers.

Tate was ready and dying to hold her the second they arrived.

I will never forget the sweetness of this moment for as long as I live

Though it looks like he's holding her, you can see Patrick's hand holding Maylie up to Easton.  Easton wasn't quite ready to hold her he told us.

All Tate could say was, "Baby's so cute.  Maylie's so cute!" over and over again.  He loved to touch cheeks with her, smell her, give her eskimo and butterfly kisses, and feel her hair.

And it's just the beginning....

The night He sent us Grace...

Monday began as any other day.  I woke up and went about my usual routine wondering if today would be the day and doubting it would be.  I knew we had a doctor's appointment later in the evening.  I was simply looking forward to my doctor scheduling an induction.

When our 4:45 appointment rolled around, my doctor gave us the induction paper and informed us that Wednesday would be the day.  I had a feeling that this was when it would be and I was grateful he was able to get us in.  After stripping my membranes once more, we went home, had a lovely turkey pot pie for dinner, and my contractions began the minute we were home.  I didn't tell Patrick for a while because I didn't want to get his hopes up.  I had had a night of false labor contractions the week before and I just knew these would stop just as they had before.  When I finally told him, it had been over an hour of every 5 minute contractions.  They were gradually starting to get stronger.

We got the boys ready for bed...or at least Patrick did while I laid on the bed...and then Patrick began packing the hospital bag.  I kept telling him that he really shouldn't be doing this because I knew they were going to stop and then he would just have to put everything away again.  He was convinced they were real.  By 8:00 they were coming about 2 minutes apart and getting more intense and so I consented to go to the hospital.

{pinterest}

By the time we found my lost phone, started driving down the road, turned around when we realized we had forgotten the diaper bag, and got back on the road I was in severe pain.  I fought back the tears while Patrick sped to the hospital (he told me he'd always wanted the experience of driving me to the hospital in labor).

The walk to the hospital was long and then when we reached the second floor we were stuck outside of the locked doors, ringing the bell and wondering if anyone would let us in.  Terror gripped me as I contemplated delivering right here on the floor.  When someone finally let us in, there was no one at the desk.  I could barely stand.  I leaned against the counter and looked at the clock.  It was after 9.  We waited for a nurse or someone to help us, but the minutes ticked by making me wonder if there was anyone here tonight.  I wondered if this would be indicative of how the rest of the hospital trip would be and my worry made the pain even worse.  Finally, the resident doctor walked out of a room, saw us, and asked if we were here for an induction.  Patrick told him I was in labor and he rushed off to find a nurse (after giving me a chair).  When the nurse came, I stood up and couldn't choke back the tears any more.  I cried partly because of the pain but more because I was just so grateful that someone was finally helping us.

Minutes later I was laying in the bed, 6-7 centimeters dilated, praying the anesthesiologist would be here quickly, and watching the beautiful orange lights glowing from the large window.  The scene was really quite lovely and I tried to focus on the beauty and ignore the pain.  When the nurse offered some medication to take the edge off the pain, I was reluctant.  I used it with Easton and I couldn't keep my eyes open but still felt every contraction.  After another painful contraction, though, I relented and prayed this time it would be different.  Thankfully, it was.

While we waited, everyone (the two doctors, nurse, and Patrick and I) made guesses as to when Maylie's arrival would be.

{Needless to say, I guessed completely wrong.  Take note of Patrick's guess...}

When the anesthesiologist finally arrived, I was so relieved.  But my anticipation for a pain-free delivery was short-lived when the epidural only half worked.  My right side was so completely numb while my left side was completely normal.  This was my third epidural and I was so sad that this time it just didn't work out as I had planned.  However, there was no turning back and though the pain was grueling on my left side, we endured the last stretch.

The doctors were ready to break my water, but I asked them to wait a little longer to see if the epidural would kick in.  They told me to lay on my left side and it worked a little bit, but as soon as I rolled to my back to begin the delivery, the pain was back.

Patrick stood by my side holding my hand and letting me squeeze with every contraction.  He asked me if I could see the red tile roofs of Portugal and I tried to envision myself in the place we love so much.  When the pain was almost unbearable he told me to think of my angel mother who went through over 18 hours (or was it 24) of painful natural birth with me.  I was posterior and the delivery was agonizing.  I pictured our sweet grandmothers and great-grandmothers there by my side and felt the veil thin as the time drew near.

And then so quickly the moment was here and I was in awe that it was all happening so fast.  The doctors and nurse gathered round and told me to push on a contraction.  I did so.  And with the very next contraction and the last push, she was here...

I held her so perfect and fresh from God's presence and the tears came again as I prayed thanks over and over to my loving Heavenly Father for this sweet miracle, this sweet grace.  I can't get this moment out of my mind and every time I think about it my sobs start again as I relive the preciousness of it all.  How can pen even express the magnitude of the moment of birth?  The day when all your woven together dreams of the past 9 months {and in truth your whole entire life} are now handed straight to your hands.  And no matter how hard you try to capture and bottle the moment, it slips away in all of its grandeur and perfectness and peace.  The minutes pass and it's over--never to happen again.  And yet the memory of it all keeps making your heart ache with longing and yearning and saudade to go back...just one more time...to hear that first cry...

Maylie Grace was born at Tuesday, November 29th, at 12:32 am (Patrick guessed 12:36).  And as they say, "Monday's child is fair of face; Tuesday's child is full of grace."

And she was.  And she is.  And I still can't believe she is mine.

Once Upon a Time...

...a Princess was born.

And they called her Maylie Grace.

No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace
As I have seen in one autumnal face.
~John Donne

She was born early early Tuesday morning, November 29th at 12:32 am.

She weighed 6 lbs. 15 oz. and was 20 inches long.

I can't believe my Little Star has arrived to my arms.

More pictures will follow along with her precious birth story...

Thanksliving.

I am celebrating Thanksgiving this year differently than I ever have.

This day seems much like every other {with the exception of the feast being prepared}...because this year has been my year of Eucharisteo and counting the graces from a loving Heavenly Father.

Since my reading of One Thousand Gifts, I have finally learned how to open my eyes and see everything, everything with a wild-eyed wonder I've never known.  I've listed out in my little notebook the good gifts and the hard grace and have nearly reached 1000.  It has been an exercise that has changed my nature and given me a lens of holiness in which to view the world around me.  I have so desperately wanted to make my life's journey a holy experience, but not every day has been sunshine and I have so often failed to record the good and especially the hidden good that seems so much like hardship.  But imperfections aside, I would like to think that I have become a more grateful person.  And the Lord is ever near when we strive with our mights to come close to Him.  He is always there in every thing.  Will we see Him?  Will we choose to remove our shoes, recognizing that the ground beneath us is holy?  It's up to us.  And the path we choose will make all the difference...for us...and for our families and loved ones.

{"Earth's crammed with heaven, And every common bush afire with God: But only he who sees takes off his shoes." ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning}

Pause and gather your loved ones around to sit and view this tender video.  I cry every time I watch it.  Because it is so symbolic.  And it is what I have tried this year to do...

And because I love this one so much, here is a small summary of what One Thousand Gifts teaches...such a perfect reminder of how to live out Thanksgiving every day of our lives.

And lest you think I have abandoned the practice of picture-taking my boys, here is a small glimpse of how we are spending this glorious holiday...playing games, reading through our Thankful Box, coloring...

Later today we will feast and then take a leisurely drive to nowhere in particular...to see God's grace in the beauty around us and just be together.

The Simple Woman's Daybook {Entry 2}

{Linked to The Simple Woman's Daybook} 

FOR TODAY

Outside my window...is cold gray, ushering in the coming winter.

I am thinking...about my little star and still wondering when she will come.

I am thankful...I spent some special time with my boys yesterday and today.  Soon our lives will be in quite the upheaval and I would regret not spending this precious time with them.

From the learning rooms...we visited the library for the first time in a few months.  Reading, puzzle-making, educational computer games, and puppets felt so fulfilling to do.  The wonder in their eyes told me so.

In the kitchen...leftover desserts like strawberry layer cake, apple pie, and four tubs of ice cream with one serving left.

I am wearing...a cream shirt with dark green embroidery...one of the few maternity blouses in which I still feel like a princess.

I am creating...ideas and plans for our new home.  Things like how we will make our home more holy {scriptures in the rooms, pictures of Christ and the temples in every room, habits of gratitude, etc.}

I am going...to the doctor at 4:15.  I hope that she comes as a result of this visit. :)

I am wondering...how my emotions can surge from one end of the spectrum to the other in only a matter of seconds.  One minute I will feel all butterflies inside thinking of how magical it will be to hold my little girl and the next minute my stomach is plummeting rock bottom like a dip in a roller coaster contemplating how long it may be before she comes.

I am reading...well, re-reading my handwritten notes on creating a quiet place where I can breathe and meditate and ponder and relax.

I am hoping...to implement the strategies I have recorded to aid in this whimsical whirlwind of childbirth, Thanksgiving, moving, and Christmas.

I am looking forward to...the pain that will come with labor.  Every hard contraction I anticipate knowing that I will finally be on my way to receiving an angel.

I am hearing...a beautiful song in my head that reminds me of my little star.

Around the house...I walk and pace, trying to urge contractions.

I am pondering...on Proverbs 3:5-7 today and for this whole week..."Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

One of my favorite things...counting the graces, the gifts, the mercies from heaven as I await a miracle.

A few plans for the rest of the week:  Wait patiently for our little one.  Spend time with my sons.  Spend time with my husband.  Trust in the Lord.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

Grow.

"On Fridays around these parts we stop, drop, and write.
For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.
For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.
Won’t you join us?
Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking."
~The Gypsy Mama



Grow.

It's a hope.  It's a longing.  It's a yearning desire for me right now.  I want a few things in my life to grow: 
*my contractions--could you maybe come five minutes apart and just a titch stronger?
*my little baby--oh sweet, glittering star, grow so you'll be ready to enter this world.
*my heart--will you open even wider than you already are to encompass this new little one in the blanket of love?
*my time--will you crescendo to allow all of the extra new baby to-do's fit in our schedule?
*my boys--might you wake up tomorrow with new wisdom shining from your eyes--wisdom to understand that Mommy has to share her time and her heart with another now.
*my faith--may you keep growing and growing and growing, never stopping, always increasing in strength with each new faith-challenging-building experience.

A Plea for Ideas and Advice.

When all I can think about these days is Maylie and her upcoming birth, I'm frantically lovingly trying to prepare everything.  I know it won't be perfect, but I'm trying get as close as I can. ;)

Now I need your help.  What did you do or wish you had done to make labor special and precious?  How did you savor the time in the hospital?  What traditions have you (or will you) start with your own children's births?  Please leave me a little comment (or a long one).  I need all the ideas I can get.

Thank you so much,

Love,

Jamie

Walk with Him Wednesday

Today on Quest for Happiness, I'm exploring the topic of true submission to the Lord's will and how this can alter the very dynamics of our lives.

Click here to join me if you will, and add your thoughts.

{This post has a link to a link-up from A Holy Experience if you'd care to link up your own post.}

I'm wishing you a golden day of harvesting...family, or faith, or traditions.

Whatever it may be, let it be golden.

Love,

Jamie

The Simple Woman's Daybook {Entry 1}

{Linked to The Simple Woman's Daybook}

FOR TODAY

Outside my window...I cannot see, for I am living in a basement.  But I hear the cars go driving past...sounds much like the ocean waves.

I am thinking...about my little girl.  She is coming so soon and my heart yearns for her.

I am thankful...for quiet mornings and a routine that works.  It is a blessed thing to begin a day right by spending time with the Lord, writing praise, recording a journal entry, organizing and planning my day, and blogging.

From the learning rooms...we are focusing on the letter K, the number 11, and all things Fall.  We are also striving to develop kindness and peacemaking skills.  Last night we learned of obedience and all repeated in loud voices, "I will be obedient!"

In the kitchen...awaits apple cinnamon cheerios and minty-marshmallow hot chocolate.

I am wearing...old jeans and a striped green, blue, yellow, and white shirt that has lived with me through three pregnancies.  Topped with a soft white sweater.

I am creating...a sweet baby.  She is growing and I am growing too.  Not just physically, but in other ways too.  My heartstrings are lengthening.  My patience is increasing.  My love for her and my sweet boys is flourishing.  My life is widening to welcome her in.

I am going...shopping today.  To buy cans of food storage.  Christmas gifts for extended family.  Thank you cards for a lovely baby shower.  Gifts for the hostesses.  Christmas decor.  Washcloths and towels for our new home.

I am wondering...if I will have time to complete everything I want to do before my little grace comes.  She's coming soon and there's still oh so much to do on my to-do list.

I am reading...the Book of Mormon.  Issued a challenge in August to begin and complete the reading by the end of the year, I have been soaring through the pages, and the messages have been surging inside of me...changing me.  Making me more.  And full of grace.

I am hoping...that the labor and delivery goes smoothly and though I wonder, I know it will.  Because of a sweet blessing from a loving husband promising that it would be so.

I am looking forward to...holding my little girl for the first time.  Looking into her eyes and seeing heaven shining through.  Feeling her newborn fingers and kissing her cherubic cheek on that blessed day when she comes.

I am hearing...Tate's little voice talking to himself.  How I wish I could bottle up his tone and inflection and pronunciation.  His voice is angelic.

Around the house...remnants of things to move to our Farmhouse Cottage along with a scattering of pink baby things folded and ready for Sweet Pea.

I am pondering...on the grace of God.  His mercy, His kindness and long-suffering.  His deliverance of me from so many things.  How He is leading my life through green grass and springs of cool water.  How He is so good.  And so merciful.  My very best friend.  My Father.

One of my favorite things...is waking up in the morning these days.  I lie still in the lightening darkness and ponder on the excitement and plans of the day.  I run through my head the happiness awaiting me and picture the faces of my two sweet boys, while imagining the face of my sweet little girl.

A few plans for the rest of the week:

Packing the hospital and diaper bags

Typing more recipes and weekly shopping lists

Organizing everything into an album

Blogging

Imagining my baby

Journaling

Planning a romantic date night for my sweetheart

Scrawling the mercies the Lord is bestowing daily

Preschool

Reading to little ones

Walking and dancing and shopping

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...

{This is how I feel.  In a heavenly mist, on a path of red and orange strewn leaves.  Almost to a bench where I can rest and take in my surroundings.  Waiting in this lovely Autumn for my little girl to be in my arms.}

Multitudes on Monday.

Read about eyes and light and glory here today. {Quest for Happiness}.

You can also see my countdown to Maylie here. {Starlit Daydreams}

And may you have a day filled with warmth, light, and love.

All is grace,

Jamie

{image via pinterest}